Today is November 23, 2009. It has been exactly 1 year since my so-called life fell apart. It has been exactly that long since my 6 year relationship with A ended.

The journey was grueling. I’ve never experienced such emotions- heartbreak, despair, grief, sorrow, pain, devastation, hopelessness, confusion, loss, betrayal, uncertainty - all at once in my life. I never even thought I’d experience heartbreak because I believed he was the one I was going to be with for the rest of my life- my first love.

For the first time, I was utterly lost. But because of my beyond wonderful fans club- I mean, support group, I have found my way.

I am forever grateful to all of you for the support you’ve shown me.

Thank you for patiently listening as I told and re-told my story a thousand times. Thank you for giving your valuable inputs as I tried to analyze every single aspect of our relationship and break up because it was the only way for me to grasp and clamor for answers and understand the situation. Thank you for your guidance, your advices, and the wisdom you imparted based on your personal experiences of heartaches and learning from them. It certainly helped make the process easier for me. Thank you for your words of encouragement, for pushing me forward. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for not allowing me to do anything stupid which I will most probably regret later. Thank you for accompanying me on nights that I needed distraction. Thank you for taking time out just to talk to me whether online, on the phone, thru text or in person. Thank you for being there when I was crying my heart out. Thank you for patting my back, hugging me, holding my hand, passing me tissue paper and handing me vodka shots (ay, ako lang pala yun!). Your mere presence was comfort enough for me. The list goes on and on on what I am grateful for. I am just truly, truly blessed to have such amazing friends. I believe that this is my karma. I know that at one point in our friendship, I have been there for you when you needed me.. and now you have been there for me when I needed you the most.

However arduous my journey was, it was also an enlightening and learning experience. I have learned:

1) To lift your sufferings to God. To depend and trust in God. To have faith that He will give what is best for you and everything will happen in His time. Prior to the break up, I thought I was close to God. But during the healing process, I became dependent on Him. God really moves in mysterious ways. I have found answers to questions that have been plaguing me since the beginning, answers which I never thought I’ll find. He also did not forsake me. You all know that my problem also involved a financial aspect and somehow, He managed to give me enough of what I need.

2) The power of prayer. I found it so cliché when people used to tell me to pray. Believe it or not, I hardly had any problems before and my prayers were always prayers of gratitude for the multitude of blessings I had in my life. I believed that when the time came that God will throw an obstacle in my path, it would be ONE TIME BIG TIME. Indeed, it was. Such was my sorrow and pain, that I believed only divine intervention could take the pain away. On January 8, as I was crying in the Blessed Sacrament, I found a copy of the novena to the Sacred Heart beside me. The novena required you to pray it 6x a day for 9 days. But my suffering was so great that I prayed it 6x a day for 7 months and through time, I realized that God is merciful and He has answered my prayers repeatedly.

3) The importance of family. My family is very close knit. We always have surprise parties and themed celebrations. We’d gather together for Sunday lunches and just chat and joke around. I have never imagined that I would rely on my family, particularly my parents, in this time. They were the ones I would turn to at 4am. I never told my lola the details of the breakup and most probably, the details she knows came from the family grapevine but I know that she prayed for my healing. My uncles and aunts were very supportive. My uncles were always willing to give me a hug. My aunts were always ready with their advice. I remember that day we all locked ourselves in a room and they listened to my story and gave advice especially at the time that I was at a loss. The advices given to me were better than the family psychologist’s AND they came for free. When it came to the financial aspect of my problem, it was my family who immediately offered to help me.

4) Love comes in different forms. I may have lost the person who I loved the most and the person who I felt most loved but after the break up, I still felt loved. I once said that I may have lost my biggest source of love but love came in different sources and forms in the form of family, friends and acquaintances. I have been touched repeatedly by their love and concern.

5) Time doesn’t just heal all wounds. You have to self-medicate. Yes, healing takes time but in order to heal, you have to help yourself. Cry as much as you want. Hide all pictures, momentos or things that remind you of him. Write. Listen to music. Talk to your friends. Listen to your friends. Don’t contact him for anything. Take up a hobby (for me, it was going out all the time!). Book your weekends with friends. Research on how to cope for a break up. Surround yourself with good people who can make you laugh. Pray. Pray harder.

6) Learning to love yourself means realizing your self- worth. When you go through a break up, you learn to be alone. You begin to rediscover who you truly are, what you love, what you want because when sometimes, when you’re in a relationship, you tend to lose that side of yourself. You tend to forget who you really are and instead, you begin to define yourself in context with your partner. But learning to be alone, and rediscovering yourself, you realize your value and know now what you deserve, what would be best for you. And you learn that the person you should love first, above all, is yourself.

7) I don’t need a man to be happy. ‘Nuff said.This stems from knowing your worth. And knowing that there are lots of men out there who will be better for you, who would want to be with you. Besides, being single is actually fun! You don’t answer to anyone but yourself. :)

8) Everything happens for a reason.- And that reason will always be for our own good. Whenever something doesn’t go my way, I always tell myself, there is a reason why this happen and I know that the reason will be revealed in its own time, when everything has fallen into place.

9) I still believe in love.- Because for all its pain and heartaches, the hopeless romantic in me believes in the magic of falling in love. True enough, I learned to love again.

10) Despite the pain caused you, it’s possible to forgive. – Perhaps the reason it is easy for me to forgive is because I prayed for hatred not to enter my heart. I also never plotted revenge though I always caught the wheels in my head turning. In the end, I wanted to come out as the better and bigger person. And now, a year later, I am stronger, wiser, smarter, more mature, more confident, and definitely, happier.


So to my dear girlfriends, I couldn't have done it without you. A big, big thank you to all of you!!! To this day, I still feel and believe that I have the best girlfriends in the world. :)

Having to pay for a 2 bedroom condo unit whose amortization is more than you can afford is not only a burden but a feat. When A and I broke up, this was the number one concern of almost everybody. They would ask, "But what about the condo?" and I would reply, "I'm gonna continue it, I guess. It was our dream after all and I'm not just gonna throw away something I worked hard for for 5 years."

I could not fathom how I'd do it, how I'd go about it. I could only afford half. But double?!? My family and relatives offered financial support but I was not one to ride on their generosity and charity especially knowing that they had financial obligations on their own. I thanked them for their support and vowed that I would only ask for assistance if I couldn't afford it anymore. I vowed to myself that I would make it work singlehandedly.

And so, armed with only my discipline with money and my faith that God will not abandon me in my time of need and that He will provide what I need, I continued to pursue my dream.

After years of being able to buy just about anything I wanted for as long as it was within reason, I had to prioritize my expenses. I always ask myself now, "Do you really need this?" Prioritizing my expenses means not shopping for clothes in months. It means not having gone to the salon in 5 months to do my monthly maintenance rituals though I admit, I just have my toes pampered monthly because I cannot paint my toes by myself. Sadly, no foot spas and massages for me. I haven't bought a book as well! Thank God I still have a crate of books to read. It means not replacing my sad, sorry mobile phone who is about to turn 3 years old next month and has already been asking me to be retired. God knows I'm dying for a new phone. It means having to eat less food (but that's okay since I plan to maintain the weight I lost during my depression) and choosing something off the menu that's less pricey. It means making smart financial decisions.

At the same time, it also means counting your blessings. Here are some blessings I've experienced the past 6 months:

1) As of late, most of the drinks I've been getting when I'm painting the town red are free. Thanks to my good PR skills and being an appreciated guest in one of the bars I frequent. The last 3 times I visited, I didn't pay a single thing! Everything I consumed was on the house! There was that open bar worth 5 digits. There was the manager's birthday and it was open bar too. There was a time that I went on a payday weekend and it was so crowded. But because they made me wait for a table, even if I told them I was fine with waiting, they still gave me a pitcher of Bend Me Over on the house! I gotta love them! And because I hardly spent for anything, I'd tip big. And I guess because of that, they love me too! :p

2) One of the expenses I elimated was my phone bill. Believe it or not, I haven't been paying my Globe bill for 3 months already AND they still owe me P2800 worth of credit! Here's how it works:

As a loyal customer for the past 9 years, I am entitled to either a new phone or the rebate program. I always choose the rebate program. Four months ago, they called me telling me that my contract with their rebate program will expire in 4 months. But since I go beyond my plan (My plan is worth P800. The rebates I get were P1,250 monthly. But because I consume more than my allocated texts and calls, I end up paying an additional P3000 a month! So that would mean that, my total phone bill would actually be P4,250 without the rebates! Crazy, isn't it?) As I was saying, I am entitled to another rebate program or an Iphone. Of course I went for the rebate since I'm trying to cut down expenses. There was a catch though. For me to avail of the rebate worth P1,083.33 every month, I had to upgrade my plan to Plan 1200. I figured, why not? After all, it seems I was losing more with my plan since I consume more than the alloted calls and texts. To sweeten the offer, they will credit my remaining rebates from the previous contract so that my new contract can begin the following month. Still with me?

But then, it seems I don't go beyond my alloted calls and texts in my new plan. So imagine this. From paying P3000 a month, my phone bill is now only P117! And because I still have credit worth P2,800 from my previous contract, I end up not paying anything! Life is good!

3) The one time I splurged on a dress was for the wedding of friends Jayson and Irene. It was a luau themed wedding and I bought a dress worth P1100. The best dressed male and female would win a gift certificate worth P1000 from SM and I bagged the prize. :) So technically, I just paid P100 for my award winning dress!

4) Then there was a time, I had to pay P2,500 for several dental procedures. Thankfully, my dentist likes me cuz I go to him regularly and he agreed that I could make staggered payments for 3 months. That helped me a lot because it was also the month that my car insurance was due. It was also the time I had to replace my car tires. They lasted 5 years! Maaaaan, those tires don't come cheap! I paid P2,600 each! Thank God, I only need to replace the front tires.

5) So after a year, my laptop's hinges cracked and broke. On top of that, my cd drive wouldn't burn cds anymore. I knew having this repaired would be a b*tch and cost me a lot but I doubt it would cost as much as new laptop! So I brought my laptop to the service center and lo and behold! My laptop was still under warranty! I left my laptop overnight and it was good as new when I got it back and without having to pay a single cent.

So next time you're caught in a financial situation and money is a little tight (okay, not so little in my case), just prioritize your expenses, focus on your goals, look out for blessings and be grateful for them and believe that God will provide what you need. So far, it has worked for the last 6 months and I never had to ask a single centavo from my family. I may be having a bit of a difficult time but I know that in the end, I will be rewarded... and that's all that matters. :)

Things I Could Have Done This Weekend But Didn't...

1) Have my roots retouched.
2) Get a hair spa
3) Get a 2 hour massage
4) Get a manicure
5) Get a pedicure
6) Get a foot spa
7) Get a facial treatment
8) Satisfy my craving for Japanese food and invite friends out for dinner
9) Shoe shopping
10) Clothes shopping


Some of the things I could have bought but didn't...

1) A new phone- I swear, my phone is almost 3 years old and is in a sorry sorry state. The metal in front fell off already and my phone keeps dying even if it's not the battery that's the problem. Rebooting is a pain because it takes 3-5 minutes.

2) A new Ipod video- though this isn't an imperative

3) 4gb RAM for my laptop- cuz I want my laptop to be faster


Not because I'm lazy but because I need to save up money. It's true that when you have goals, your priorities change and you end up sacrificing some of the things you love in order to achieve them.

How I miss the days that I was financially free, when I could buy whatever I wanted without hesitation. I always have to remind myself that I just have to sacrifice this year because I'm paying off the condo on my own. Once it's done, I'll find a way to get the money to decorate it and then rent it off. Once it's rented out, it will be self liquidating and I'll have enough money to pay the next year's amortization, save 6 months worth of amortization as buffer AND when that's done, I can now buy whatever I want, whenever I want. Keep your eyes on the prize. Eyes on the prize.

The day has ended
The moon up high
Thinking back
About you and I

The late night talks,
Till early dawn
The romantic star gazings
On your lawn

The boisterous laughters
The wiped- away tears
The sweet, soft kisses
As I comforted your fears

My happiest moments
Were spent with you
Gone in a second
When I betrayed you

The hurtful wrods
The unstoppable tears
The unbearable pain
The worst of my fears

My actions, I regret
Yet I cannot undo
Never will I ever have
A second chance with you

The day has ended
The moon up high
No longer is the future
With you and I.


-- Written on 04 August 1999, 7:04pm

I think the song "Nothing Like You and I" by The Perishers go well with this poem. :)

6 years and a few months ago, I walked into A's arms and it became my favorite place in the world. We were friends then and I just came back from work in Boracay. We missed each other so much that we hugged one another. My friend, who was watching from afar, said that he was so happy to see me that his eyes were closed. I remember what he wore that day. It was a blue shirt. The very same shirt he gave me for me to sleep in the next 6 years after that. The very same shirt that's already tucked inside my "A" box.

His arms were a place of comfort. A place of security. A place I went to when I needed to be held and cherished. A place that calmed my fears. A place that protected and made me feel safe. A place when I needed to rest and be warmed. But my most favorite thing to do is sleeping and waking up in them. That, and waking up in the middle of the night because I was being pulled back into them. For 6 years, it was home.

On the night A and I broke up, as we were saying our goodbyes, I remember telling him that I didn't want to go yet because the moment I leave, I would be leaving my most favorite place on Earth and that brought about a fresh bout of tears. The most difficult thing I ever had to do was walking away from him and entering my gate, knowing full well that my future, my life, my dreams were forever changed. To this day, that memory still brings tears in my eyes and forms a lump in my throat. If I pursued a career in drama, that would probably be my "trigger."

And because I no longer had a favorite place, I had to go and find a new one. In its place, I found two.

The pain of the break up and the events that followed after were so heartbreakingly, devastatingly painful that I turned to God for help. I learned that the sorrow and grief you experience during heartbreak is directly proportional to the love you experienced. I always told A that the love I felt for him was so intense that it felt grander than love. So you can imagine the heartache I felt. Only divine intervention could have saved me.

For days, I would run (fine, I drove) to the Blessed Sacrament in the village I used to live in. It was so quiet and peaceful there especially with its Zen like atmosphere. Imagine the Blessed Sacrament was against floor to ceiling windows and behind the glass was a rock and orchid garden. Inside the adoration chapel, it was cold and the sound of flowing water around the perimeter of the chapel made the place comforting. I would go to the Blessed Sacrament when I felt the need to cry, to seek solace and comfort, when I needed quiet so I can sort out my thoughts, when I needed to pray. And strangely, I feel so much better after. To me, the Blessed Sacrament isn't just a place. It's God's arms.

My other favorite place was only discovered a few weeks ago when we moved a bench by my bedroom window. I usually sit there, with all the lights off and meditation or senti music is playing in my ears, late at night (also known as the wee hours of the morning) for the same reasons I go to the Blessed Sacrament. I find the twinkling lights of Marikina Valley below and the starry sky above strangely comforting. For a few minutes, it gives me peace.



And in this other favorite place, as I look out into the endless horizon, I learned to smile and become excited because I know the one God made for me is waiting for me. I know God is preparing me for him. Despite the pain, heartache, grief, devastation and sorrow I recently went through, I know I will love again. And I cannot wait to be swept off my feet and feel overwhelmed and consumed with love and passion once more. I know it is possible. It has happened once and it will happen to me again.

I'm blogging this for posterity's sake.

The craziest drinking session in my life occured on April 2 and 3, 2009 at Il Ponticello. I organized a reunion for a friend from Australia who's vacationing for a week in the country. She wanted to see our highschool batchmates so I invited the usual suspects and then some. We played "I Have Never (or as she puts it, "I've nevaaaahh") and that made us drink shot after shot of their Bend Me Over cocktail. There were probably 10 of us seriously ingesting the cocktails that we consumed an estimated 30 shakers. It seems that management enjoyed having us over that they invited us back for Part 2 of our reunion the very next night but this time, drinks are on them until 11pm. Never one to turn down free drinks, I said yes! (Something from A that rubbed off on me ;) )

But people had plans and only 7 of us ended up going and apparently, we still managed to max out the budget for our open bar! All 5 digits worth! I know it was the most I've drunk my entire life cuz not only did we take shot after shot, but my friend, yes, the cutie mentioned in the previous post, and I split a pitcher between us when everyone else left!

In total, we consumed 15 pitchers, equivalent to 50 shakers or 350 shots. Split between the 7 of us, that's 50 shots each. Glady, Nik and I definitely consumed more than that because a) 2 people in our group were guys and preferred beer though they still took shots with us and b) Elaine was under medication and probably just drank a shaker herself.

We did a good job getting Nik drunk though and she awarded us as the group that got her most drunk.

As for my casualties? None at all (except for my two left feet!) Seriously! Even the manager told me I left sober! (Why am I being defensive? :p) I guess as my tolerance for alcohol increases, my experiences in "responsible" drinking increases too. THAT, or I'm actually part Russian, part fish.

PS. I can't believe I can drink this much! I used to not drink at all. My alcohol tolerance surely increased after the break up! :p

Anyone knows that I am a picture of poise and grace.

But it seems bad luck and jinxes came too much this year as if it's making up for lost time.

I have this superstition that whatever you end up doing at 12mn on New Year's Day, you'll end up doing it for the rest of the year.

When barely a few minutes before the clock stroke midnight on January 1, 2009, I accidentally pricked my finger on a sharp metal protruding from my mobile phone as I was grabbing my phone from my back pocket. Needless to say, I led a trail of blood from our roof deck to my parent's bathroom. I greeted my parents and siblings holding a cottonball to my finger.

Two months later, at the beginning of March, I was at Fiamma meeting some friends. It was soooo crowded that someone had to do the whole "She's with me!" drama so I could get past the velvet rope. Finally, I started up the stairs wearing my hottest black dress and sexy gold pumps. With my gold clutch in one hand and a Hpnotiq 7 in the other, I somehow missed a step and fall forward. I managed to brace myself on the step but my left knee took most of the brunt... and of course, my left shoe went flying. I got up, trying not to look at how many people were looking at me (and if there were anyone holding up placards depicting my scores for my Olympic dive), went down two steps to retrieve my shoe and the bouncer was kind enough (or pitied me) to help me put it back on (meaning, I held on to him for balance while I put on my shoe). I walked away as if falling on my own two feet in public was a daily occurence. Of course, it was only later on that I realized I was bleeding! Hahahaha! I also discovered that despite falling, I didn't spill my drink! My glass was still half full! I guess the alcoholic in me subconsciously saved the drink by, I assume, holding my drink up!

It took me a month to nurse my poor knee. It scabbed like a rowdy second grader's wounds and I had to generously rub Sebo De Macho to avoid scarring. When, a month later, as I was leaving Il Ponticello, I tripped while crossing Valero! And the sad part is, I may have had a lot to drink that night but I left sober. The worse part was, I was with one of my highschool's heart throbs! The casualty was my poor knee again. The same old one that took the brunt in Fiamma. The exact same spot. So now my old wound has a wound. Poor knee. I just realized that same knee, that same spot took the hit too when I fell off my bike years ago. Poor, poor knee.

An acquaintance told me not to worry about the fall because I can carry it. That made me laugh. Whuuuuuttt? Falling flat on my face suits me?! He clarified that I can still manage to fall with grace. So I'm a Miriam Quiambao in the making, huh? :)

So now, I'm turning into a natural klutz. I'm becoming a threat unto myself. :(

But a good friend said it best that maybe this is fate's way of telling me it's okay to fall because one day, someone will be there to catch me... :)